DAD JOKES & bad JOKES
New piano store has baby grand opening.
A single piece of pasta is a ravionli.
Or tortellonely.
When your tonsils are enlarged and green, that’s Shrek throat.
Air conditioners imply the existence of air shampoos.
Who named them glasses and not “peering aids”?
Knowledge always comes at a cost. Unless you’re willing to shoplift books.
Paying with exact change makes no cents.
Dead maestros decompose. Dead mathematicians disintegrate.
Crustaceans fill their homes with bric-a-crab.
When a loved one is cremated, you don’t just get to walk away with the ashes. You have to urn them.
If you work in a fragrance factory, do you get an annual perfumance review?
Is the death of a mime cause for a moment of noise?
Hurt myself tilting at windmills. Doctor prescribed antiquixotics.
What has 100 legs and walks in a circle? A centripede.
Are people who study nuts in macademia?
Played a game with my kids. There were 250 items in a box, and every two we picked up were matches. It was a box of matches.
A pun may be the “lowest form of wit” but a bun is the doughest form.
I misplaced a mirror recently and I just can’t see myself finding it soon.
If you’re a doctor who believes in demons, shaman you.
I’m round and doughy. You could say I’m a roll model.
I’m not easily shocked, but I am easily electrocuted.
I’m as impressed as anyone by scientific breakthroughs, but what would really blow me away is a scientific breakfast.
A friend asked me to help polish his novel. I offered to czech for errors.
Know what’s fun? Pitting cherries. Against one another.
Why would I make oatmeal cookies? I have my raisins.
Can a person become a building? Asking for my own edification.
I have synesthesia, but I’m not racist, so I don’t smell color.
I saw the cutest tool for piercing holes and said, “Awwwwl.”
It’s good that bicycle enthusiasts aren’t called “pedalphiles.”
After I use a machine at the gym, I make sure to wipe it down so the next person will be able to see the candy.
If you get a misspelled tattoo, I’m sorry, but that’s on you.
Photo editors are full of crop.
I find watering large areas of land really irrigating.
When the bride says, “I do,” is she making a veiled threat?
Everyone talks about the gratuitous sax and senseless violins in today’s music, but don’t forget the drum abuse.
A doctor steps into a confessional and says to the priest: “I just wanted to tell you that your clerestory is a little high.”
I can emphasize with those who are stressed.
I don’t believe what they say: that no two snowflakes are alive.
When you look for the Big Dipper but only see the Little Dipper, that’s small constellation.
If I ever find a genie, his name had better be Grant.
Who called it a Mafia stakeout and not “mobservation”?
Who called it horticulture and not “plant parenthood”?
Mosquito is a better name than “blooderfly.”
A produce market could be called a “sellery.”
A truly great magic trick is ta da for.
I couldn’t find my calendar so I consulted a colander. My schedule has a lot of holes in it.
Colorblind psychics cannot see the fuchsia.