DAD JOKES & bad JOKES

New piano store has baby grand opening.

A single piece of pasta is a ravionli.
Or tortellonely.

When your tonsils are enlarged and green, that’s Shrek throat.

Air conditioners imply the existence of air shampoos.

Who named them glasses and not “peering aids?

Knowledge always comes at a cost. Unless you’re willing to shoplift books.

Paying with exact change makes no cents.

Dead maestros decompose. Dead mathematicians disintegrate.

Crustaceans fill their homes with bric-a-crab.

When a loved one is cremated, you don’t just get to walk away with the ashes. You have to urn them.

If you work in a fragrance factory, do you get an annual perfumance review?

Is the death of a mime cause for a moment of noise?

Hurt myself tilting at windmills. Doctor prescribed antiquixotics.

What has 100 legs and walks in a circle? A centripede.

Are people who study nuts in macademia?

Played a game with my kids. There were 250 items in a box, and every two we picked up were matches. It was a box of matches.

A pun may be the “lowest form of wit” but a bun is the doughest form.

I misplaced a mirror recently and I just can’t see myself finding it soon.

If you’re a doctor who believes in demons, shaman you.

I’m round and doughy. You could say I’m a roll model.

I’m not easily shocked, but I am easily electrocuted.

I’m as impressed as anyone by scientific breakthroughs, but what would really blow me away is a scientific breakfast.

A friend asked me to help polish his novel. I offered to czech for errors.

Know what’s fun? Pitting cherries. Against one another.

Why would I make oatmeal cookies? I have my raisins.

Can a person become a building? Asking for my own edification.

I have synesthesia, but I’m not racist, so I don’t smell color.

I saw the cutest tool for piercing holes and said, “Awwwwl.”

It’s good that bicycle enthusiasts aren’t called “pedalphiles.”

After I use a machine at the gym, I make sure to wipe it down so the next person will be able to see the candy.

If you get a misspelled tattoo, I’m sorry, but that’s on you.

Photo editors are full of crop.

I find watering large areas of land really irrigating.

When the bride says, “I do,” is she making a veiled threat?

Everyone talks about the gratuitous sax and senseless violins in today’s music, but don’t forget the drum abuse.

A doctor steps into a confessional and says to the priest: “I just wanted to tell you that your clerestory is a little high.”

I can emphasize with those who are stressed.

I don’t believe what they say: that no two snowflakes are alive.

When you look for the Big Dipper but only see the Little Dipper, that’s small constellation.

If I ever find a genie, his name had better be Grant.

Who called it a Mafia stakeout and not “mobservation”?

Who called it horticulture and not “plant parenthood”?

Mosquito is a better name than “blooderfly.”

A produce market could be called a “sellery.”

A truly great magic trick is ta da for.

I couldn’t find my calendar so I consulted a colander. My schedule has a lot of holes in it.

Colorblind psychics cannot see the fuchsia.

Thinking about getting a straitjacket just for fits and wriggles.